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The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 7:26pm
by MKTheVintageBloke
That's a new one. The Donkeys have quite a bit of clients, for whom they spread their buttocks write advertorials. Most of them are the big players in the market. This time, it's not one of them. This time, they bray in praise of an upstart microbrand watch, which - on top of that - is of the sort I would have expected Bazinga! to write about. The watch in question is Bazinga!-esque beyond measure... You might want to wear some eye protection, unless you wish this thing to give you eye cancer.
https://www.hodinkee.com/articles/the-ianos-avyssos

But what if you look back, way back, well before the first dive watches, or even the invention of scuba, for inspiration?

You will land up with a "steampunk" pile of shite.

That’s exactly what Jacob Hatzidimitriou, the founder of Ianos Watches, did to come up with his first diver: the Avyssos.

Alas, that he did.

The name “Ianos” (YAWN-os)...

Yaaaaawn....os indeed.

...translates to “Janus,” who was the ancient god of, among other things, time.

Naming a watch after a sleazy, two-faced twit doesn't exactly suggest a reliable product, no?

“Avyssos” translates to our English word “abyss.”

Yeah, well, hipsters obsessed with model names they don't understand would buy it even if it was called the Malakas.

And true to its name, this watch is a proper dive timer.

How so? Looks pretty fuck-useless to me, and I don't even dive.

But it’s the numerous details that separate the Avyssos apart from the legions of other dive watches out there.

Yes, they make it uniquely bad.

The bezel is brushed steel, with scalloped edges and engraved numerals and five-minute hashes. Despite the smooth scallops, the bezel is easy to grasp since it overhangs the sides of the case, being the widest part of the watch. The overall effect is nostalgic without referencing any specific historical diver.

No, the overall effect is useless.

Numerals are large and looping, while the five-minute markers are oblong.

Thank you, Captain Obvious, I have a pair of decently functioning eyes.

Similarly referential is the running indicator at 6:00. Lacking a sweep seconds hand, this functions as a means of telling if the watch is indeed running, a crucial component of a dive watch. The alternating white and colored arcs move behind the aperture on the dial. While the lack of a sweep hand doesn’t allow for accurately setting the watch, or timing decompression stops, the tradeoff is a clever visual element that actually references the Antikythera mechanism, that had a similarly prominent rotating disc.

Clever visual element? "Clever" by what standards? You can't even time an event in seconds with this thing, and yet you went with the load of bollocks about it being "a proper dive timer." A crucial component of a dive watch is the seconds hand, which not only tells us if the watch is indeed running.

The Avyssos runs a hand-winding ETA 7001 movement, with no date.

Good, but boring.

Surely, the ETA 7001 is not a beautifully decorated movement, but I still enjoyed seeing the bridges, winding gears, and big balance wheel of this uncommon movement.

Yes, this tiny movement, void of any attempts at decent finshing, fucking around in the middle of an absolutely massive case is so exciting a sight, that it makes me spunk even before I've got the hard-on. Peseux/ETA 7001, an uncommon movement? What the fuck?

The Avyssos is a refreshing watch, so unique from the largely derivative field of divers out there

Yes, it is so unique that I might order two more table legs from Cabrioles R Us.

I like watches with good back stories

It ain't one.

...and this one, despite being a new brand, has a rich one.

So had Baron Munchhausen.

For of all the “vintage” and “retro-inspired” dive watches out there, the Ianos Avyssos manages to be the most retro of them all

No.

And all of that load of bollocks comes from a guy who's supposedly a pro diver. I may vomit.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 7:42pm
by TemerityB
MK ... you are truly a Lord amongst Lords. Your righteous indignation is always well placed, and as entertaining as can be.

Well done, sir, as always.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 7:54pm
by conjurer
A very nice evisceration, Mr. Bloke. Alas, I read (parts) of the original revoo before your entire post, and you got to the YAWN gag before me!!

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 8:02pm
by tomsimac
Strange language amongst Asshats and Masters

I can’t decider much of what’s being said
Perhaps we need a new forum for linguistic genius types
Was wasted on me. Perhaps that’s the purpose here, to make us lowlifes
Learn Latin to understand Greek that was translated from Arabic or something

I’ll get my prayer mat out

Youse guys are really hi brow

Respect intellect

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 8:05pm
by Racer-X
^^ Wait until you get a load of 'Geek Speak'...

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 9:38pm
by biglove
FFS. I don't know what that is but it sure as hell is not a diver.

Nicely done, MK.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 11:48pm
by bedlam
Watches like this just shit me.

Its a dive watch if it closely fits the needs of a diver. The ISO tries to convey what that entails...and variations from it should only be undertaken in a dive watch for a good reason. The Submariner gets a pass because it was designed before the ISO existed and it works pretty darn well.

If you build a watch today and don't follow the key requirements of the dive watch ISO you are a dipshit. Even worse, if you deviate from them so you can do things that you claim are cool and unique but bork its dive functionality you are a complete bloody fuckwit (yes Gavox, I am talking to you).

If you don't protect the crown on your dive watch design, you are a dick. If you don't fully index the elapsed dive time bezel, you are a dick. If you use a mission timer rather than an EDT bezel and call it a dive watch, you are a dick. If you can't fit a dive strap or NATO to your dive watch, you are a dick. If you think higher WR and extra lume makes a dive watch better, you are a dick. If you don't use anti-corrosive steel on all the external components of your dive watch, you really are a dick.

In summary, if making fashionable sport watches and having tacticool branding is more important to you than making really well-functioning dive watches then please go and apply for work at Omega, cos you will clearly be a perfect fit for each other.

:GGZ:

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 11:55pm
by conjurer
You appear to feel quite strongly about this, Carl.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 8th 2019, 11:59pm
by bedlam
conjurer wrote:You appear to feel quite strongly about this, Carl.


:D

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 8:25am
by svaglic
116 comments on that article. I scrolled through about a quarter of them thinking I would see some funny thrashing of the watch. Sadly the comments are from people saying how nice it is and talking about buying it. Much like a neutered dog....I don’t get it.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 8:31am
by bobbee
Boys making toys for toddlers.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 8:45am
by codguy
bedlam wrote: In summary, if making fashionable sport watches and having tacticool branding is more important to you than making really well-functioning dive watches then please go and apply for work at Omega, cos you will clearly be a perfect fit for each other.


FUCK YOU Carl!
My Omega is a true diver, equipped with a rotating number thing and true/preferred diving-orange colorway.

Image


Kiss my ass..........






:D

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 11:13am
by MKTheVintageBloke
Thanks, chaps. It is always a pleasure to expose the Donkeys for what they are, and when they're going Bazinga!, it's like Christmas came early.

As to their comments section, it is pretty obvious that under a condotta job like this "review", they'll have their Ministry of Truth remove anything criticizing the product or the "review" itself. They're notorious for that. The good question is if they did have to remove any comments or this one, or is their regular audience quite as debilitated and arse-kissing as it appears to be. Frankly, both explanations are plausible.

Concerning Omega... I think you're a wee bit too harsh on them, Carl. The SMP (Diver 300m) seems to fit the requirements for a proper dive watch, at least some of its versions do. Fully indexed bezel, crown guards, and lugs of an even width with nothing to make it hard to fit an aftermarket strap, be it NATO or whatever one sees fit. In the past, they did have proper dive watches as well - Seamaster 300 ref. ST 165.024 comes to mind. As for the Planet Ocean, I didn't like the last two generations. They have turned it into a fashion accessory. The first generation, like Cod's, was decent. The bezel, well... I don't know if anyone makes aftermarket inserts for the PO, but the problem could easily be solved with just that. The real issue is that the brands of that tier aren't really mindful of stuff like ISO specs any longer. People who need an ISO-compliant dive watch often aren't the people who would be willing to pay the average MSRPs of that tier for a tool watch that they are going to use as a tool.
Also, what used to be the market for dive watches, is not a market for them anymore. Marine salvage companies, and the ones that do the work on oil rigs and pipelines? Most of them have shifted to using dive computers alone.
Still, the watch manufacturers could really start realizing, that a fully index bezel is just way more useful.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 1:10pm
by codguy
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 1:20pm
by conjurer
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 1:29pm
by codguy
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 1:42pm
by conjurer
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 2:01pm
by 3Flushes
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!

I like knob.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 2:08pm
by codguy
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!


Understood but this true diver watch only has one tyme knob hence why I called it out. ......... if you are truly trying to push my buttons, now isn't the time.
That goddamn seiko guy from oz already has me going.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 2:37pm
by foghorn
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!


Understood but this true diver watch only has one tyme knob hence why I called it out. ......... if you are truly trying to push my buttons, now isn't the time.
That goddamn seiko guy from oz already has me going.




Just want to join the fucking quotapalooza quotefest

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 2:42pm
by MKTheVintageBloke
foghorn wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!


Understood but this true diver watch only has one tyme knob hence why I called it out. ......... if you are truly trying to push my buttons, now isn't the time.
That goddamn seiko guy from oz already has me going.




Just want to join the fucking quotapalooza quotefest

I see that quote, and I as well wanna throw in a quote to this quotefest.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 2:55pm
by codguy
foghorn wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!


Understood but this true diver watch only has one tyme knob hence why I called it out. ......... if you are truly trying to push my buttons, now isn't the time.
That goddamn seiko guy from oz already has me going.


Just want to join the fucking quotapalooza quotefest


And there you go. Hope you now feel satisfied putting your 2₵ in, thanks much for the lame contribution to this thread.
Mr. Bloke, I apologize for foghorns Cecil, he is old and truly doesn't know any better.


Ok, now where was I........ oh ya, fucking Carl disrespecting my real Omega diving watch.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 4:35pm
by 3Flushes
codguy wrote:
foghorn wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
conjurer wrote:
codguy wrote:
MKTheVintageBloke wrote:Concerning Omega... The first generation, like Cod's, was decent.


Yep, and mine not only being a righty mod, it incorporates dual 6 o'clock positions. Look closely.
Besides that ^ , it also has a real diving pressure relief valve thing on the metal part side.

Fuck you Carl.


Does this mean that this watch incorporates two fine steel gear handles??


I hope you are not jerking my chain, I'm already in a bad fucking mood because of that fucking Australian comment.
Don't push me.


Take it easy, Mr. guy! Read: viewtopic.php?f=169&t=44712&p=449765&hilit=fine+steel+gear+handle#p449765. "Fine steel gear handle" is the new term for tyme knobs!!


Understood but this true diver watch only has one tyme knob hence why I called it out. ......... if you are truly trying to push my buttons, now isn't the time.
That goddamn seiko guy from oz already has me going.


Just want to join the fucking quotapalooza quotefest


And there you go. Hope you now feel satisfied putting your 2₵ in, thanks much for the lame contribution to this thread.
Mr. Bloke, I apologize for foghorns Cecil, he is old and truly doesn't know any better.


Ok, now where was I........ oh ya, fucking Carl disrespecting my real Omega diving watch.

It has a waterproof real dive watch dive strap which doesn't need a wetsuit extension because it has tang holes and it includes colorway continuity contrast stitching.

Re: The Donkeys Bray "Bazinga!"

PostPosted: February 9th 2019, 10:25pm
by bedlam
MKTheVintageBloke wrote: Concerning Omega... I think you're a wee bit too harsh on them, Carl. The SMP (Diver 300m) seems to fit the requirements for a proper dive watch, at least some of its versions do.

I'm not hard enough on Omega by half.

You mentioning the one decent dive watch they make across an entire catalogue of supposed dive watches underlines my point....it makes it worse seeing that they can do a good dive watch but usually choose to flub things in favour of fashion over function.