The Straight Dope From Eyal

The Straight Dope From Eyal

Postby conjurer » August 13th 2018, 9:39pm

Another post from BDWF, posted here for shits and grins. Originally posted in 2010.

Here is a list of some pretty major Invicta $@%&-ups over the last year or so:

The Reserve Lupah that--well, didn't keep time all that well.

The kool Subaqua that had a strap changing tool that stripped the lug screws.

The other kool Subaqua kit that carried a revolting mold spore of death.

A rather cavalier disregard for the meaning of "Swiss" and "Swiss Made" on the dial.

A Speedway that cost a thousand bucks and came with a mystery movement inside--oh, that's right, it actually was a D-D module. It came from a third source, and after Eyal threatened to kick some Swiss a$$--well, we all know how that turned out.

So I was wondering--is my bro Eyal a pinhead? Or a huckster? Or perhaps just a guy in over his head, letting things get away from him, and resorting to a little bait and switch to keep his company above water?

Well, Me and Eyal are like this, so I thought I'd ask him. We met down in San Diego, where Eyal was having his powerboat, the Super Happy Fun Boat, worked on. We met at a Famous Dave's BBQ joint, which is Eyal's fave restaurant; he's particularly fond of the baked beans, which he eats with his fingers. Here's a transcript of our discussion:

ME: So, Eyal, are you a pinhead or what?

EYAL: I really love these beans--what? A pinhead? Bite me!

ME: That's what some people are saying. They say you've totally screwed up Invicta's name with all of these screwups.

EYAL: Who? Who the #$%%'s saying that?

ME: Hey, take it easy! Don't get all Skelton on me. You know, people. The blogosphere--whatever the kids call it.

EYAL: I had nothing to do with that D-bag, the governor of Illinois. He brought that on his own self.

ME: OK, let's move on. How do you explain all these lapses in judgement?

EYAL: It's Skelton's fault.

ME: How so?

EYAL: You ever seen that guy's tats? He's a born criminal. I, my ownself, wear short sleeves. This is not a Eurotrash thing, just showing off my guns. I disdain body art.

ME: So you're going to throw JS under the bus?

EYAL: It's his own fault. Invicta is crap. We all know this. Blogosphere, get the hell out of here. It's all a joke, holmes!

ME: A joke?

EYAL: Yeah. I mean, we show a quartz watch that costs us seven bucks to make in a slave labor camp in the Far East. Then we say it's got an MSRP of $12,599, like a Patek. Who believes this? Then we say, "oh, for a short time, you can buy this watch for only $99.99! With ten Value Pays!" And people soil themselves to get to the phone to buy it. And you call me the pinhead?

ME: So, the whole business plan of Invicta Watch Group--

EYAL: --Is a joke! You think somebody in their right mind would hire a load like MD? I mean, look at him. He ought to be sleeping under an interstate, wrapped up in a newspaper. "Technical Brand Manager?" The guy, with his keilbasa-like fingers, can't even open the caseback of one of our watches to see that it's a Chinese movement inside. Gimme a break.

ME: So, did you bother to let anyone else in on this joke?

EYAL: My lawyers. I got more mouthpieces than I got watchmakers. Well, actually, I don't have any watchmakers, so there you go.

ME: What about all your fans?

EYAL: Simple Americans. Don't worry, as long as I keep making the watches bigger and bigger, most of them don't care. I'm still working on the Bulgarian Diver I showed you last year. One hundred and seventeen millimeters! Not counting the non-functioning pushers!

ME: Well, the Bulgarian Diver was, actually, just a joke.

EYAL: See! You can see the humor!

ME: It wasn't always a joke, was it? I mean, the original Pro Diver, a great little watch. Or the original Reserve line, those were some serious watches.

EYAL: I think it went off the tracks when I came up with that story about the Russian Diver. That was joke number one. I had Skelton going! I got a replica watch case off ebay from some Ukrainian seller, and I told him, "Oh, Diamond Jim! Look at what my mother found in her jewel box! We made these for the Russian fleet fifty years ago!" And he bought it, man! And then, after we knocked a few hundred together, with some fake cyrillic on the dial, Jimbo goes on the television with that story. Like any Soviet naval officer would actually wear an RD? They'd look like they were officials of the Union of Soviet Socialist Retards. Hey, pass me a wetnap, will you? These beans are getting all down my black Polo shirt here...

I hope this clears some of the lingering questions up.
I checked you out, and I now want you to take the journey to lick my taint. It's small, but vast.

--Temerity, to Mr. Neckbeard.
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