Robert Gattshall Classics! The Offshore Limited Force 4!

Robert Gattshall Classics! The Offshore Limited Force 4!

Postby conjurer » March 16th 2013, 10:20pm

Since noted and Very Influential watch reviewer Robert Gattshall hasn't been blogging a whole lot, I thought I'd reach back to one of his earlier reviews of the elephantine Offshore Limited blah-blah-fucking-blah 4:

http://time2talkwatches.com/Blog/?p=338#more-338

Here, in a breathless, 830-word paragraph worthy of John Dos Passos--assuming, of course, that John Dos Passos was a fucking imbecile--Robert Gattshall waxes lyrical about the Offshore Limited giant watch:

Big, bold, and aggressive these watches stand out and scream look at me!

Yes, well, my boss screams at me too, but I wouldn't want to wear her on my wrist. Anyway, Mr. Gattshall continues, using, BTW, very mollywhopping language:

This review is not going to be packed with all the specification of the Force 4, hell anyone can look those up. We are going to take a look at this time piece for both its design and technical attributes.

Hell yes, I could look it up, but why would I want to? Anyway, hell, Robert Gattshall tells us of some of the specification (no plural) of the Offshore:

The Force 4 even though it is an extreme watch with a case diameter of around 60mm, it fit my 7.5 inch wrist nicely.

Holy shit! 60-fucking-mm? Fucking insanity. But never fear, because:

I would recommend it for a comfortable fit down to 6 inches. Although it would look even more extreme on a wrist that size, it would absolutely be a comfortable fit.

Ahhh, yeah, sure. No problem, Robert. Sixty millimeters on a six inch wrist sounds about right. Of course, no Robert Gattshall review would be complete without some terrific mangled syntax or opaque, what-the-fuck-did-he-mean comment, such as:

This time piece is ambiguous, meaning I would have no doubt that ladies would sport this monster in a blink of an eye.

Well, Robert, I hate to inform you of the fact that there are things like accepted definitions of words--meaning that you can't simply use an inappropriate word and pretend that you've made up a new definition for it.

Indeed, Mr. Gattshall has drunk deeply from the Oversized Cup of Kool-Aid, and like a porn starlet, larger is always better:

Offshore Limited makes no apologies for what they are not but instead excels at what they are. Meaning, they know they are an extreme watch and won’t be for everyone in the market. That doesn’t stop them from launching their time pieces in Asian where most have been preaching that the Asian markets are all about the small time pieces. Offshore Limited didn’t just launch in those markets they blew the doors off them and have been very successful introducing the whole world to the extreme.

These are Big Words from a guy who has sucked so deeply at Eyal's balls, and makes one wonder if WatchGeeks is indeed the bestest forum for Mr. Gattshall enjoy membership. One can imagine Michael Davis, waking up at about noon one day and reading this fine review, his skull pounding with an Aqua Velva hangover, and seriously considering banning Mr. Gattshall's narrow white ass.

This paragraph reads like a shot across Invicter's big yellow bow:

Most brands, especially newer brands are highly influenced by others. Whether you call it homage or just plan copying, Offshore Limited has none of that. They are their own designs, extremely unique and that can be difficult to accomplish in this day and age.

Difficult to accomplish, especially if you source your dials, cases and straps from someplace other than, say, China.

Alas, Robert Gattshall's immortal line from this review appears closer to the beginning than the end:

The Force 4 in my opinion is the flag ship of this brand and sports both a great look and a dual time zone like none other. The all-white version of this time piece is the ultimate summer watch, although this could also be the abominable snow monster!
I checked you out, and I now want you to take the journey to lick my taint. It's small, but vast.


--Temerity, to Mr. Neckbeard.
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Re: Robert Gattshall Classics! The Offshore Limited Force 4!

Postby Horse Feathers » March 16th 2013, 10:27pm

"That doesn’t stop them from launching their time pieces in Asian where most have been preaching that the Asian markets are all about the small time pieces. Offshore Limited didn’t just launch in those markets they blew the doors off them and have been very successful introducing the whole world to the extreme."

I have never been to Asian but given the opportunity will avoid food shopping, sounds too risky .
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Re: Robert Gattshall Classics! The Offshore Limited Force 4!

Postby iwasbanned » March 17th 2013, 4:12am

Your reviews of his reviews are gerrymandered, meaning they make me laugh my ass off.
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