Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

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Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby conjurer » October 12th 2013, 8:45am

In response to Dorks recent post on the $2500 Sturmanski that's really worth about $399, some thoughts regarding Russian watches from a guy who got hosed by them in the past:

--Russian movements are shit. They don't have quickset dates, they ain't accurate, they sound like coffee-grinders when you wind them, and they look like shit. The only movement that was any good that the Russians produced was the Poljot 3133, which they bought from Valjoux and modified--and it still doesn't have a quickset date.

--Russian straps are made for guys like Jesse Ventura. If you have a normal-sized wrist, you'll have to punch extra holes in the sumbitch.

--Russian build quality sucks a very large, very ropey and very musty donkey's dick.

--Nobody really knows where they're made, or who makes 'em. You think some of the micros are opaque with where they're made? Check out the Russki shit. Depending on the day of the week, the Vostok factory is out of business/retooling for a cool new movement/bought by some Saudi prince/is making Slinkies/is, like, totally gone, man. The cases of almost all this shit are probably made in China.

--The majority of the shit that Vostok-Europe puts out now has nothing to do with Russia, apart from whatever horseshit name and "story" they come up with to shill 'em to the mouthbreathers. Most of their movements are Seiko export automatics or Miyota quartz, the cases are made in China. And when they sometimes use the Vostok automatic movement, it doesn't have a motherfucking quickset date. VE watches are over-priced, over-sized, and just all around fucking stupid. Once in a while they come out with a somewhat cool model, like the Radioroom, but overall they blow.

--Since when is Russian shit desirable to collect, anyway? OK, so the AK-47 is a superb assault rifle, and the Soyuz capsule hasn't killed any astronauts lately, but what the fuck have the mongoloid Russkis built in the last 100 years that somebody would want to buy? Do you see any rich Westerners being driven around in a Gaz limousine? Fuck no.

Rant over.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby foghorn » October 12th 2013, 8:53am

Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей
GET OFF MY LAWN
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby conjurer » October 12th 2013, 9:07am

Ćóńjuręr łś ą ręął łóąd, ł ręćkęń! Hę bęąts mę dąiły ąńd głvęś mę dóg-fóód tó ęąt!!
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby Buffalo Bill » October 12th 2013, 9:55am

Excellent! Made me LOL!!
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby gregl515 » October 12th 2013, 10:01am

I generally agree. I did buy several Russian watches about five years ago that were pretty nice. I stopped wearing them because of the lack of a quick set date.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby TemerityB » October 12th 2013, 4:02pm

I've never understood the whole Russian mania, but in reality it's just another made-for-TV fad that wasn't really a fad to begin with (see "tourbillons" and "Mother of Pearl"). And we all know about TV watchers; they just do whatever they're told.

Recently on FB, Hester was going on and on about what a great guy a certain fellow TV watch representative was - which pretty much puts Hester in the same category. What I love about these TV talking heads is that they see absolutely nothing wrong with that they do or how they do it.

Frankly, I have more respect for the old lady that sells watches at my local Macy's; she doesn't have a clue, but she doesn't upsell or bullshit me, either. I'd rather deal with decent, work-a-day intentions than mendacity any day of the fucking week.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby ocean » October 12th 2013, 4:16pm

Damn conjurer, think the heat finally died from your out burst on how fucking shitty Smiths are. Now this what think we're bored and need a shitbird Russian loving troll to beat on?
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby 3Flushes » October 14th 2013, 4:08pm

foghorn wrote:Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей

^^^What he said, whatever the hell it is.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby LIES ALL LIES!!! » October 14th 2013, 8:25pm

I appreciate Russian workmanship in lots of things. They tend to be large, cheap, built like a tank, and can take a beating. However, refined is never anything I would associate with Russian design craftsmanship. You know, kinda like a timepiece.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby oak1971 » December 12th 2013, 8:42pm

I picked one up for the heck of it. No illusions that it will anything besides interesting.
Last edited by oak1971 on December 12th 2013, 9:33pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby WatchDorks.Net » December 12th 2013, 9:18pm

oak1971 wrote:I picked one for the heck of it. No illusions that it will anything besides interesting.


You bought a $2400 TV-brand watch for the heck of it? I disbelieve.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby oak1971 » December 12th 2013, 9:33pm

No. Another Russian watch. I ain't that dumb.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby conjurer » December 12th 2013, 10:52pm

oak1971 wrote:No. Another Russian watch. I ain't that dumb.


OK, oak, since you brought up this thread (which I totally forgot I started) I'll add a caveat, godDAMN it.

The Vostok (or Bostck, or Vostick, or whatever the fuck) Scuba Dude is, quite honestly, a very interesting watch. I got one of these a few years ago from some Russian seller on ebay, and got it faster than spare parts from Doxa in Switzerland--not saying a lot, but there you go. It had a bracelet on it that was designed by some cocksucker who last worked for the KGB in the Lubyanka, squeezing dissident's balls in a vise; the rotating bezel was made of aluminum foil, the motherfucking movement was made by Vostok and didn't have a goddamn quickset date, since, I suppose, most Mongoloid Russians have nothing better to do than get totally jaked on cheap vodka by ten o'clock in the fucking morning and spin their crowns to get to the right date--

However, it was superbly accurate. The one I had was more accurate than a COSC Stowa (and look who won the goddamn war!!) Also, apparently the weird case construction, which included a fucked-up Russkie torqued-down ring on the caseback, kept out water to 200 meters. I actually saw pics at WUS with some slap-happy fuck who took the goddamn thing scuba-diving, and it performed flawlessly.

Now, lightning has to strike somewhere every day, and perhaps I got the Scuba Dude that was made sometime in the middle of the week when most of Vostok's watchmakers were actually relatively sober. But, for around $70, it was a pretty good watch. Kudos where kudos are due.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby foghorn » December 13th 2013, 3:55am

They all suck.
Any country that has the technology to put men in space and make booze out of fucking potatos should be able to figure out a quick set fucking date!!
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby eddiea » December 13th 2013, 6:26am

conjurer wrote: Scuba Dude is, quite honestly, a very interesting watch..... for around $70, it was a pretty good watch. Kudos where kudos are due.

The Dude is iconic, very accurate, sturdy, with a very interesting and diferent way to achive W/R and manage to charm (even without the quick date setting)...a keeper.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby AlbertaTime » December 13th 2013, 9:13am

conjurer wrote:Now, lightning has to strike somewhere every day, and perhaps I got the Scuba Dude that was made sometime in the middle of the week when most of Vostok's watchmakers were actually relatively sober. But, for around $70, it was a pretty good watch. Kudos where kudos are due.


My "dude" has always worked well and kept good time.

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Actually, so have my "cheap like dirt" Komandisrskies, including this example I blinged out with an aftermarket gold-tone bracelet.

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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby oak1971 » December 13th 2013, 8:06pm

conjurer wrote:
oak1971 wrote:No. Another Russian watch. I ain't that dumb.


OK, oak, since you brought up this thread (which I totally forgot I started) I'll add a caveat, godDAMN it.

The Vostok (or Bostck, or Vostick, or whatever the fuck) Scuba Dude is, quite honestly, a very interesting watch. I got one of these a few years ago from some Russian seller on ebay, and got it faster than spare parts from Doxa in Switzerland--not saying a lot, but there you go. It had a bracelet on it that was designed by some cocksucker who last worked for the KGB in the Lubyanka, squeezing dissident's balls in a vise; the rotating bezel was made of aluminum foil, the motherfucking movement was made by Vostok and didn't have a goddamn quickset date, since, I suppose, most Mongoloid Russians have nothing better to do than get totally jaked on cheap vodka by ten o'clock in the fucking morning and spin their crowns to get to the right date--

However, it was superbly accurate. The one I had was more accurate than a COSC Stowa (and look who won the goddamn war!!) Also, apparently the weird case construction, which included a fucked-up Russkie torqued-down ring on the caseback, kept out water to 200 meters. I actually saw pics at WUS with some slap-happy fuck who took the goddamn thing scuba-diving, and it performed flawlessly.

Now, lightning has to strike somewhere every day, and perhaps I got the Scuba Dude that was made sometime in the middle of the week when most of Vostok's watchmakers were actually relatively sober. But, for around $70, it was a pretty good watch. Kudos where kudos are due.


My God, that's some funny shit. I hope mine works as nicely once the vodka soaked Cossack's finally get around to shipping it.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby biglove » December 13th 2013, 9:18pm

The Vostoks may be crude as hell but they are sturdy and there are plenty of well used examples still keeping accurate time. Their bracelets are shanks and shitty shanks at that.

VE is gimmicky but they have a rare interesting watch come out but the prices are stupid.

The Amphibia is well worth $70 for its durability and unique WR design. And it is neat to own something Russian. Don't even buy Russian vodka since the Polish now make way better vodka than the Russkies nowadays.

Yes, the bezels suck but I have no fear swimming with one on. The design is damn near full proof when it comes to WR from what I read.

Worst of all is the damn date issue. Wish they would just cover the date window with the face. Is a real PIA to set it.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby Dr.Morningwood » December 14th 2013, 5:29am

Owned a few Amphibian, now down to Scuba Dude. Cheap watch that I can wear daily. Made sure to get this one on rubber strap, since the bracelets on these watches feel like they are made out of foil gum wrappers! Since put it on a brown leather strap.

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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby Falstaff » December 14th 2013, 1:36pm

LIES ALL LIES!!! wrote: They tend to be large, cheap, built like a tank, and can take a beating.


So is Mongo, but that's no reason to actually buy one other than the mild amusement derived from comparing it to its betters - or strapping it to your snow tires for a spin up to Tahoe.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby 3Flushes » December 14th 2013, 2:49pm

Falstaff wrote:
LIES ALL LIES!!! wrote: They tend to be large, cheap, built like a tank, and can take a beating.


So is Mongo

:LMAO:

I've never owned a Russian wartch before, but I've been curious about them for a while. Looking forward to getting the Poljot I won in the M-A-W auction.
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby mibby » May 18th 2015, 8:59am

Vostoks DO have a date quick-set, ya wazzers! Wind round until the date changes, then back to 8.00. Forward to 12 and it changes again. Repeat until happy. :roll: My P3133 does the same, as do a couple of vintage Swizzies.

OK, not the very quickest, but a damn sight better than my Rolex which needs a full 24 hours every time.

Greetings from a newbie, BTW. :D
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby Mortuus » May 18th 2015, 9:15am

foghorn wrote:Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей

И они едят клювами... :?
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby Mortuus » May 18th 2015, 9:23am

mibby wrote:Vostoks DO have a date quick-set, ya wazzers! Wind round until the date changes, then back to 8.00. Forward to 12 and it changes again. Repeat until happy. :roll: My P3133 does the same, as do a couple of vintage Swizzies.

OK, not the very quickest, but a damn sight better than my Rolex which needs a full 24 hours every time.

Greetings from a newbie, BTW. :D

"Ya wazzers," huh? That's actually funny...damned funny. Welcome to the forum, micro-dick...
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Re: Russian Watches Are Fucking Shit

Postby conjurer » May 18th 2015, 9:39am

Dang! It's always fun to see a thread that's deader than Mortuus getting dredged back up.

In order to not inflame US-SovietRussian relations any more than necessary, let me address the motherfucking non-quick-change-date thing on Russki watches:

To be fair, the Sovs never overdesigned anything. They worked on a designed until it kinda worked, then stopped, possibly because they had some apparatchik leaning on them to finish quickly or--more likely--it was six o'clock and the designer wanted to hit Applebee'ski before Happy Hour ended. Also, the idea of collecting anything in the old Soviet Union, save empty vodka bottles, was pretty much unheard of; if one was lucky, one got a Vostok Scuba Dude, and that was one's watch. Therefore, the lack of a motherfucking quickset date wasn't really important, unless one got so completely jaked that he became comatose for longer than the movement's power reserve.
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