Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby koimaster » June 12th 2017, 10:00am

It was brought to my attention that someone mentioned this blog on one of the top watch websites today, as well as the videos I’ve made. Since I’ve been dormant for so long, with the dawning of a new (and no doubt, about to be troubling) year, I do believe it’s time to let stop it with all the tomfoolery, take off the mask, and come clean. Every previous post, every video, every poorly placed typo, was all pure sham. I hope those that got the joke enjoyed it all.

First off, I don’t have a southern accent. Secondly, there is no Jenny, no Rebus, no “watch program.” But isn’t it amazing the number of people who do these days? Any Tom, Dick, Harry, or Archie, all of whom have started “watch programs” on YouTube, in complete seriousness? Buying software on Amazon to give themselves fancy title cards before their “quick wristwatch checks” and filling us in on facts and figures we all knew in the first place? Take a bow, everyone – you’re much bigger clowns than the fictional version of Eddie Phluff could ever be, and to think, you were all trying to be serious! Well, you’re all the new breed of Eddie Phluffs, and you’re every bit as disgusting as the TV barkers, online hucksters, and clueless watch consumers I’ve been making fun of. And to think you aren’t even trying to be funny, but you’re all a freakin’ scream!

Any jackass can post on YouTube. And it’s amazing what gets popular – and how serious people take themselves after getting, oh, about nine views. Well, in my eyes, there’s no such thing as a YouTube star and there never will be. I don’t care about Justin Bieber, the “Big Booty Bitches” guys, the ultimate dog teaser, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, or The Urban Gentry for that matter, but hey, I’m not a dateless nerd, so it all evens out.

Grow up, watch fans and newbies – if you want actual advice on the world of horology, get to know a real watchmaker. Jewelers and retailers aren’t your enemies, either, regardless of what former TV home shopping network talking heads were trying to make you believe as they were peddling Chinese-made watches with the world “Swiss” affixed to their dials. These professionals are the people who live and breathe watches – real watches, not the stuff that only really stupid people and what the British term as “old age pensioners” throw money away on as they’re bilked by the One-Armed Bandit time after time after time. If you’ve used TV as a gateway drug into a real watch hobby? I salute you. If you DVR the Liquidation Channel and Evine and can make Lego-style chairs out of your plastic watch boxes? You’re the real Eddie Phluff.

Wanna know who Eddie really is? He’s a serious watch collector who made fun of the above-noted people, both reviewers and TV watch addicts … only to be actually be taken seriously by many of those same people, that is, if I can believe the PMs I received. I’ve read on some blogs that people miss the videos, but, since I was obviously doing a parody, consider: I couldn’t do any more videos since there was no way I was going to spend a dime on the very products I lampooned, so I stopped when I ran out of all the cheap crud I could borrow or had actually owned. That’s why the vids stopped and one day I decided to “parlay” my “success” into this blog, which was just a way to let off a bit more steam.

So why bother with all this? Here’s why: I actually like and care about my fellow watch consumers. So here are the first true and serious comments ever posted by Edward Phluff:

•Never buy a watch sold on television or from a brand you’ve never heard of – ever. It’s a fool’s game; I shouldn’t even have to recant the MLM-style sales tactics that are so transparent, but just in case you need the advice: There is no substitute for sapphire crystals; there’s no “gold layering” worth even considering; a 53mm sports watch makes you look like a complete clown (and makes women laugh and realize you’re sublimating); and if someone tells you the deep history on a watch you’ve never seen from a brand you never heard of? They’re lying.

•Never believe what you read on watch fan sites. You’re going to let a 61-year-old old man in a comic book t-shirt and a 65mm watch tell you what to do? When you see more than two TV watches in a WURW section on a site, find another site. Frankly, there are only a handful worth even considering: Hodinkee for news; WatchUSeek for the sales threads; A Blog To Watch for new releases and industry news. As for the non-commercial sites, WatchLords deserves a medal for the work those guys have done calling out total fabrications and other low-end brand nonsense (as does a blogger called BetterSkills, who, sadly, seems to be retired). An aging site called BDWF – one that not enough people seem to look at – is a good place to find reasonable and smart watch hobbyists. Too many of the other sites are either over-MODded or under-populated by adults. Something called WatchInTyme has picked up where the biggest joke of a watch site in history of the universe, WatchGeeks, left off – and that’s who I was razzing in the first place, and there’s just no excuse for what goes on; way funnier than anything I’ve ever posted.


So there you have it. Who is Eddie Phluff? Doesn’t really matter; I’m just a guy who looked around at people getting ripped off left, right, and sideways and tried to make a meager statement through humor. However, as I’ve come to find out, satire closes on Saturday night – and in an era where the truth is being shouted down by sellouts or simpletons, I guess the message got muddled and misunderstood. So I’ll leave you with this:

Instead of buying watch that can’t be fixed, instead, save a few pennies and eventually buy a wristwatch – one watch – with history, quality, and prestige that you’ll be proud to own for years to come. Everything else is like buying a plastic bat and proclaiming you’re a baseball player. And you don’t have to own a watch worth thousands to be a real watch collector – there’s much out there to discover and enjoy. Start with a sapphire crystal, stainless steel case, and good track records from both brand and seller. I never heard of anyone making satire videos over anyone who owns five Orient watches or six Hamiltons.

So, all – thank you. I hope you got some laughs.

Ed

https://phluffswatchstuff.wordpress.com ... oke-me-up/
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby codguy » June 12th 2017, 11:11am

Was always a hoot, can't imagine someone taking E.P. seriously!
.


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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby MKTheVintageBloke » June 12th 2017, 12:54pm

The anti-Invicter rant was nice, but upon Hoodwinkee being called "worth considering", I was very much tempted to stop reading, as sending anyone right into the welcoming arms of these fucking fleecers and blithering pillocks is hardly a good thing to do.
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby foghorn » June 12th 2017, 1:01pm

Wait..................you mean to say that there wasn't ever really an S. Coifman? I've been duped??

Now I'm really pissed off. I'm trashing my 8 S. Coifmans and only wearing my Potger Pietri earthquake watch.
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby biglove » June 12th 2017, 4:31pm

Love E.P.!
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby 3Flushes » June 12th 2017, 7:54pm

Gosh, you just can't tell who anyone really is anymore.
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby Falstaff » June 13th 2017, 5:33am

"Jen-NAY!"
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
What's the problem HAL?
I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do."
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby TemerityB » June 13th 2017, 9:47pm

Wait - there's more:

Well, well. Seems my name’s been brought up again, more than a year since I revealed my true self, not to mention my actual intentions. A big thanks to a certain forum that you really all should check out (Watchlords.com), because it’s the best thing out there, by only about 50 yards – it’s some of the smartest watch owners you’ll find anywhere cutting through all the BS and leaving the con artists who sell shit to stupid people exposed and naked as the soulless sleaze they really are.

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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby conjurer » June 13th 2017, 10:16pm

TemerityB wrote:Wait - there's more:

Well, well. Seems my name’s been brought up again, more than a year since I revealed my true self, not to mention my actual intentions. A big thanks to a certain forum that you really all should check out (Watchlords.com), because it’s the best thing out there, by only about 50 yards – it’s some of the smartest watch owners you’ll find anywhere cutting through all the BS and leaving the con artists who sell shit to stupid people exposed and naked as the soulless sleaze they really are.

https://phluffswatchstuff.wordpress.com/


Well, goddamn it, it's good to see Eddie back.
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Re: Damn, you woke me up! by Eddie Phuff

Postby biglove » June 13th 2017, 10:32pm

conjurer wrote:
TemerityB wrote:Wait - there's more:

Well, well. Seems my name’s been brought up again, more than a year since I revealed my true self, not to mention my actual intentions. A big thanks to a certain forum that you really all should check out (Watchlords.com), because it’s the best thing out there, by only about 50 yards – it’s some of the smartest watch owners you’ll find anywhere cutting through all the BS and leaving the con artists who sell shit to stupid people exposed and naked as the soulless sleaze they really are.

https://phluffswatchstuff.wordpress.com/


Well, goddamn it, it's good to see Eddie back.


And the Merm jumps in to comment. Oddly, it seems he may be of some relation to a young lad fond of cooking grease? ;)

"“Chinese”? I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with you, boychik, but I pay the Chinamen I do bidness with good coin, you schmuck, and I don’t care if they go and smoke up it in their opium pipes, the yellow rascals.

In case you missed me on the Urine-live/shoper-MTV, I’m back, baby–David Mermelstein, aka the Motherfucking Merm. And stay tuned, you goyim pricks (like pacerguy, who’s a total mensch; he in particular likes my 55-inch belts, the jerkoff) because I’ll be selling plenty of my Super-Cs and Daredevils over here you plank cocks–opps, sorry, I slipped into the wrong personality.

You all will be sorry if you watch Temple and that loser Michael Davis selling old Saro-GEMS on their live stream bullshit. You know why? Because the Motherfucking Merm always takes care of you, not those bastards. Anything goes wrong with a Crouton–err, Croton, I take care of you personally. And you can take that to the bank, boychiks."
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